Anyone down to go on a date with me ;)? 

The thought of not being with you kills me. But lately, I wonder if I’d be happier without you. I don’t know what to say to get through to you. No matter what I say, no matter how many times I say it, nothing gets through to you. You never come to the idea that I might be through with it one day and leave. You say you care and it just sucks so much that you don’t know how to show it. I try and tell myself that you’re not purposely a douche, you just naturally suck at being a friend… Later on in the future, I honestly want to see who you end up with because I really want to meet the girl who is able to change your ways.

Nothing hurts me more than the idea of you lying to me. But you do, every single night. You love me. You miss me. You care about me. I feel like every word is a lie. I’d rather you just end it all now and stop lying to me so I can just move on already. If you really mean it, show it. I know it’s really hard for you but if you truly feel the way you say you do, you’d try for me. 

You always say things will change and get better. But you never do anything about it. You think I’m just going through some tantrum and I’ll get over it the next morning; and that’s because I usually do. But after a while, I’m getting really tired. I don’t know how much longer I can put up with this. I don’t know how many more nights I can cry myself to sleep and pretend things are okay in the morning.

Are we at the end of our relationship? Or are we going to get through this? Do you still want this as much as I do? I don’t know if I can live with you anymore, but I know for a fact that I can’t live without you. 

I guess, for now, I’ll just shut up and be upset silently until I find the strength to tell you things aren’t the same…

You’re not just another guy. You’re not just another guy I talk to when I’m bored or hit up when I’m alone. You’re not just “some” guy to me. You’re not just an acquaintance  You’re not just a friend. You’re someone special. You’re the guy I fell in love with. The guy who kept me up for long hours at night thinking about stupid scenarios that would never happen. The guy who broke me apart but made me stronger. The guy who was there every time I was sick. The guy who ordered for me because he knew what I liked. The guy that protects me at all times. The guy who teases me. The guy who made me so happy. The guy that does everything and more for me. 

You’re my guy, yet you’re not my guy. Yet no matter how many times you hurt me, I think I’ll always be your girl.

But I’m here pouring out so much effort and going out of my way, for things I’d never do for just anyone. 

If I had to relive the worst times in our relationship just to be able to know we still loved each other at the end of the day, I would. Without a single doubt. I would go through all the ups and downs again because it was with you. Because I never got a chance to love you the way I should. 

I blew off every guy that tried to be in my life. To my eyes, they weren’t the same as you. I knew I could never felt the same as I felt with you. But there was always a voice in me saying you would never feel the same for me. But when I was chasing you, when I was talking to you, when I was fighting for you to be mine, it just felt right. I use to avoid heart breaks and boys in my life, but with you, I was willing to take the risk.

Growing up. Finding new interest. Meeting new people. Experiencing things you never imagined. It’s all apart of life. Changing. Or staying the same. Or finding “yourself”. I’m glad to be where I am in life. Burning bridges with fake friends. Losing close friends but still dearly care about them. Making new friends of all sorts. And keeping the ones I call family close in my heart. Saying goodbye to the ones you love off to college or life’s new paths. Saying fuck you to the ones who stabbed you in the back. Not needing to say “I Love You” to those who already know that words aren’t needed between us. 

Recap: Yesterday was my birthday and I was just overwhelmed with people who love me. Thank you Rafael for buying me clothes, Birthday Princess stash, a tiara, and making me flan :)! Thank you Brandon for treating me out for KBBQ and throwing me a surprise kickback. Thank you Bobby for the flowers. Thank you Tiffany for the balloons and cutest Panda pillow :D! Thank you Monica and Clarissa for the “Friend” picture frame <3! Thank you Lowell and Josie for the cake. Thank you Daddy for the puppy :3! Thank you Mommy for my Chanel watch. Thank you Jennifer for my Hello Kitty watch ^.^! Thank you Justin for the food .____.”! And thank you everyone who called me or texted me Happy Birthday. Also the people who wrote on my Facebook wall. Worst thing was breaking my phone </3! Ehhhh… 

I’m so happy to know people love and care about me. 

Whatever I’m going through, I’ll keep moving forward. No matter how tough it’s getting. No matter how many people enter and leave my life. No matter how much I miss you. No matter how much I need you. I will stand on my own and won’t look back. Because in the end, when I’m doing so much better, people will realize what they lost. Maybe one day you will see you lost a priceless diamond for a worthless rock. 

I’m tired of being that nice girl who gets taken advantage of or taken for granted. I’m tired of giving everyone a second chance even when they didn’t deserve it. I was the one who always cared too much and I was the one who got hurt the most in the end. No matter what decision I make, I lose. 

So I’ve changed. I’m hard and protected. I’m done trusting people. I’m done doing favors for people who never appreciate me. I’m done being left alone. Leaving the girl who was never good enough for anyone, and rising from it all. 

In my eyes, we weren’t perfect together, but you were perfect. My first love. Even though I was too shy and stubborn to admit anything, I hope you know you’re special to me in my heart. But things were getting really complicated. Problems and external factors arise. Conversations got shorter and boring. We both never opened up, all we did was keep everything bottled up and nothing changed. No effort was made. And we just ended in an odd way. 

This is my goodbye to us.

I’ll stop writing about you. I’ll stop checking up on your social network. I’ll stop talking about you. I’ll stop looking back at old conversations. I’ll stop looking at old pictures. I won’t make up excuses for you. I won’t let things remind me of you. I won’t miss you anymore. I won’t think about you anymore. I won’t let myself get hurt, again. 

Deleting everything- history, cache, number, texts, pictures won’t help. I still want you in my life as a friend. I’m not gonna let us end in a bitter way. But we can start fresh with a new us. As friends who is there for each other. 

Prove to me that you deserve it. I really do love you. But I’m done getting hurt. Most of the time you gave up too easily. I don’t want to lose you. 

All I ask for is effort.

If you’re trying, I will too. I always have to start the conversation. I always have to keep the conversation going. I always have to put in the effort to spend time with you. Would it kill you to text me first? Is a Good Morning message really hard? Am I that boring to you? Most of the conversation doesn’t last five minutes because of your one word replies. 

Or maybe this is all pointless. You’re giving me mixed signals. 

I don’t blame you. I blame myself. I don’t hate you. I hate myself. Maybe I’m too nice, always forgiving you and making up excuses for you. Maybe I got attached and fell really hard. For making you someone important in my life. It’s not like I wasted effort, time, and tears on you. You became a lesson to my heart and a story I can tell but wish not to. I know I should hate you for all the shit you put me through… but I can’t.

I’m constantly thinking about you, but after girls and problems kept arising, I knew I have to let you go, for now. This is my time to move on. And maybe in the near or distant future I can let you back into my life where I’m not hurt anymore. Because you’re happy without me and with another girl…